Not just because it's 1:57AM, I took an Oxycodone (generic for Percoset) 2 hours ago, I woke up at 6AM to meet a 1:30 work (extended) deadline...that I missed...by 4 minutes, I cried for three hours straight...at home and in public...for rational and irrational reasons, I spent my day in post-operative pain, I spent my evening in transverse myelitis full-body pain, I've been waiting three days for my next IV Ig treatment that Aetna insurance has denied twice in one week, I had to rush to the surgeon's office because another doctor told me my port looked infected, I'm mentally preparing to move tomorrow, I have $9 in my only bank account, I got out of a taxi mid-traffic at S Broad & S Penn Square and walked the rest of the way home because he pissed me off for being an idiot, or because I'm a whining, moaning, twinging, irritable, angry, tremoring, frustrated, spasming, urinating-challenged, weak-bodied, weak-spirited, weak-minded disabled woman with a moody disease that entered my life two months ago, and as its name suggest, thrashed what I knew to be my way of living into disembodied fractions.
But as I discussed with my brother on the phone tonight, sometimes life just sucks, and right now it sucks--and not just for me. Yet as I am in a somewhat deservedly self-involved state, I'm not even going to acknowledge the various levels of suckiness of so many other people's lives.
Other than the inanely funny jokes I can' remember and one of the most mutually honest and sincere talks I've ever had with my brother, this is the most important part of the conversation:
Even when life sucks, we (I) can still be a frickin' fantastic person. Maybe not in all our usual glorious ways, but there must still be 2 or 3 totally self-centered traits, thoughts, or actions that can make us say to ourselves, "Life sucks, but I still rock."
So, even if no one agrees with me on the following points....
My life sucks, but I still rock because:
- Even though I haven't been allowed to bathe for two days, I don't stink and my hair looks just-got-laid sexy.
- I stiffed the idiot cab driver who tried to rip me off.
- I care enough abut my job, my lifestyle, and my future to cry because I'm direly afraid of losing it.