Ketamine Cam: 11.19.10, Day 3 of 3

I tried... this time i even used you tube's video record format . ugggh. what is this world coming too?

See yinz in 'da burgh an''at.

Where the hell have you been? And other awards.

My inborne Jewish guilt  has gotten the best of my slacker-ality (add it to the neuro-ictionary), and whala... here I am, with too much and too little to say.

So, here it is, in the best form ever invented - the list form:

1. WE WON AN AWARD!!!!!!! 
1. 
   
   
   
    
2. Thank you, thank you to all who nominated Neuro Detour. Wow, what a friggin' honor! Gee, it almost makes me feel lucky to be so effed up that I can write Neuro Detour and win top 35 gimpalicious blogs of 2010. Yippeeeeeee!
   
3. Now for the down and dirty....
1. it's been a shitty ride as of late, but (and there's always that stupid optimistic idealistic but) I've been lucky too to be in the right place with the right people to get the best out of this life that I can.
4. I did have a recent fall or 2, cracking a rib or 2, but mortal pain is nothing once you've had RSD pain, and I've had quite a bit of that.
5. Vertigo has taken me way yonder to using the original Vertikal Kris-O-fellow-
   TM-er-2nd-time-Hand-Me-Down-WALKER-from-Illinois. 
6. So, special thanks to Verikal Kris for keeping me vertikal [sic]... for the time being.
7. And dear Judy, thanks for being my partner in RSD and portacath crime. We all need a bosom buddy, or in our case, it's porta-buddy - same diff.
8. Being sick really fucking sucks.
9. Losing people you love because you're a sicko really fucking sucks.
10. Losing yourself because you are a sicko really fucking sucks.
11. Losing yourself because you are a sicko on really whacked out meds really fucking sucks.
    
    
    

    Image by christophe dune via Flickr

    Nice Logo... not quite, but close....

12. Some of the meds, like IV Ketamine, not only make you (me) better, but get you (me) trippin' and hallucinating grand realizations that disappear as quickly as the last 2 years have.
13. I am now a graduated TM-er, reaching my 2-year anniversary in August, 2 weeks after my 35th birthday.
14. My Neuro Detour should be over.
15. My Neuro Detour is just beginning.
16. I am no longer a TM-er.
17. I am a TM-MS-Stage 4-RSD-aka-CRPS-er-with lots of ancillary shit diseases like osteoporosis tied in.
18. I belong to no one, no group, nowhere.
19. I belong almost everywhere.
20. I hate that I am not free to go anywhere, even certain restaurants or stores or art galleries because they are not handicap accessible.
21. I hate sickness, and bigots, and nasty cabbies who charge you before you sit down because you take so long to get in the cab with your walker. 
22. I hate chic-chic and down-scale department stores and boutiques who may be accessible in architecture, but not in service. 
23. I hate insensitive people. 
24. I hate inequity.
25. I hate being a triple-quad minority.
Image via Wikipedia
26. I hate that society does not commit itself to the laws of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA).
27. I hate that my life is so expensive, but my income is so controlled.
28. I hate that I've ruined other peoples' lives, e.g., my mother, with my chronic illness and disability.
29. I hate bitching and moaning. Mine and others'.
    
30. I have started my first real physical rehabilitation, and I LOVE it. I'm only permitted to do aqua therapy at this point, but Aquatic Therapy of Chinatown is giving me something to look forward to 3x/week.
31. I wish I could walk through life in an 8 sq. ft. pool.
32. I am practicing transcendental meditation - by prescription
33. I am exploring the powers of one's mind.
34. I am starting an international movement (in my head and on a piece of foam core): 
1. Gimp This! (imagine the i in "this" as middle finger.), of dedicated equalists, anti-disability-haters and -prohibitors (silence is as much an act of hate as exclusion, ostracizing, blah, blah, you wronged me, blah.)
2. In other words, watch out out gimp-haters and ADA-non-compliance-ers, Gimp This will get you, out you, and picket you. Looking forward to ruining your business soon. :)
35. I am selling more and more of clothes:
1. Who needs a wardrobe when you're 35 and your job title is patient? (HOWEVER,  I do not sport hospital fashion, rather I am neurochic,,,, and you could be too.)
36. When asked what I do, I no longer say writer or painter (which are both true), or dancer or choreographer (long - gone professions), 
1. I say patient. And that is at least 3 jobs in one.
   
2. I am often completely alone.
3. I am not recovered.
4. I still have no prognosis.
37. I can not go a day in public without being asked, "What's wrong with you?"
38. I can not go a day in public without being stared at by children. 
39. I can not go a day in public without being stared at by people who should be my peers, or perhaps employees. 
40. I love Provigil. 
41. I love all pain meds and pain management procedures.
42. I am afraid my doctor will retire, and I will have no one behind me.
43. I avoid people, even virtual people, when I am sad or conflicted.
44. I gave my birthday away this year, not because I don't want to age but because of what this birthday signified... what should have been the crest of closure.
1. Please take a copy of my birthday for yourself.
45. I have made scenes and thrown cups of frozen yogurt in response to injustice.
1. I have been stupid and assertive against drunken privileged white men harassing a homeless black man. 
2. And when the cops showed their racist spirit, even the black ones, I opened up my mouth again and took badge numbers and said things that could get me arrested.
3. I am a defender of my rights. 
4. I am a defender of my people. 
5. I am out of control more often than before. 
6. I am tough, and I can be mean if necessary. 
7. I may be a cripple or a glamour gimp, but I'm not gimpified. 
46. Please help me Gimp This here and elsewhere.
47. Doesn't asking for help suck?
48. Whole numbers and silence are for pussies.

PS I am not participating in POST (Philadelphia Open Studio Tours) this year. See right column top for more info.

Wrap it Up...Or Not

5 MONTHS & COUNTING
It's Jan. 31 - the last day of the first month of a "new" year. It also marks my approximate entrance into my 6th month of living with Transverse Myelitis (TM), one of many factors that has made this long month feel even longer. But when you have TM, especially in the beginning, human time is irrelevant. Moments last hours, days disappear or drag on for years, and months are the timekeepers of recovery potential.

The two major moments in time for TM'ers, aside from its startling, horrifying onset, are months 6 and 48.

According to current research, maximal recovery occurs within the first 2-12 weeks following the first symptom. By 6 months, there's not much more recovery to expect. And at 2 years, you have reached your maximum potential. That's it. You're done. You're stuck.

With rare diseases, such as TM, (every person with TM is literally 1 in a million), there's only so much data on which to base definitive answers, so the experts use non-committal words like usually or may, but for the most part, every agrees on this timeline:

Recovery from transverse myelitis usually begins within 2 to 12 weeks of the onset of symptoms and may continue for up to 2 years. However, if there is no improvement within the first 3 to 6 months, significant recovery is unlikely.

-National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke

Recovery from TM is highly variable among individuals. Approximately one-third of people with TM experience good to complete recovery, another third experience fair recovery, and the remaining third have poor recovery. Most improvement occurs within the first three to six months, although some gradual improvement can continue for up to several years.

-Cleveland Clinic

Recovery may be absent, partial or complete and generally begins within one to three months. Significant recovery is unlikely if no improvement occurs by three months. Most patients with TM show good to fair recovery. One-third of those diagnosed make a good recovery, one-third have only a fair recovery and one-third show no recovery after the initial onset period.

-The Transverse Myelitis Association

Prognosis for complete recovery is generally poor. Recovery from transverse myelitis usually begins between weeks 2 and 12 following onset and may continue for up to 2 years in some patients, many of whom are left with considerable disabilities. Some patients show no signs of recovery whatsoever.^[2]However, if treated early, some patients experience complete or near complete recovery.
-Wikipedia

(NOTE: This is the only contradictory recovery statement that I have found. Who knew the Brits were such optimists?)
In transverse myelitis full recovery often occurs even if severe leg weakness has developed. This is because the myelin sheaths around axons can be partially reformed and also because the inflammation stuns quite a lot of surrounding normal spinal cord. As a comparison, the amount of permanent damage to the spinal cord is vastly less than after a traumatic injury to the spinal cord due to a motor vehicle accident. Recovery can take many months; however, the vast majority of people do improve significantly.
-Brain & Spine Foundation

SWEATING IN JANUARY
So you can see why, in addition to the typical TM side effect of night sweats, my armpits are fountains, my hands are Slip 'n Slides, and my feet - let's just say I'm glad I bought extra socks when I could still afford it.

No matter how strong you are - mentally or physically - or how much recovery you've attained, these two judgment days are anticipated with fear, hope, or anxiety. If you're male, you might just stick with those three emotions. If you're female, you may experience 50 additional emotions per each one of your male counterparts.

Regardless of gender, deadlines are deadlines, and we can strive to meet or beat them, proving our competency, but unless you subscribe to quantum physics and believe you're living in an alternate universe (which I believe is a real possibility), our minds, bodies, emotions, and lives are still planted into this earth, which despite all the scientific revelations, still beholds many mysteries.


THE SEA CREATURE IN ALL OF US
For some of us this "world is our oyster", and even if you have TM and you are anywhere from newly diagnosed to 30+-years into it, this cliche could still crack its slippery face and suck you in. It does for me, daily, sometimes hourly.

As much as I'd love to suck down a sampler plate and let its natural libidinous after-effects take control of my future - that's a one-night-only ticket, and they're just too damn tiny to fit the seemingly never-ending, convoluted, all-consuming calendar - which in my case is filled with myriad tasks, doc appointments, procedures, to do lists, diary notes (one of the means I use to combat my short-term memory), and project-related files (I love and highly recommend Entourage for managing one's life - medical or otherwise).

I wish I could be definitive. I wish my doctor could be too, but the disappointing truth is my oysters are rotting. With each hospital stay, follow-up visit, my doc's goal for my recovery decreases and my prognosis remains undefinable. It 's a rotten outlook, but it could be worse.


BLAME
I could blame my TM status on Aetna's protracted denial of necessary treatment coverage, which I often do. I could blame it on my lifestyle (which, if you knew how boring I've become you'd know would only be a small contributor). I could blame it on stress, city-living, living in a city without family, falsified expectations and devastating let-downs, or capitalism.

I could blame it on a life of a series of traumas and loss, which as an ex-dancer and student of body-mind centering, I believe we suppress and carry these events in our body. I could blame it on Tom, Dick, and Harry. Hell, I could blame it on my devoted, would-sacrifice-anything-for-me, unconditional-loving mother. And boy, would that make me a miserable ass.

In one experiment, some participants were told that an individual was speeding home to hide an anniversary present from his parents, while other participants were told he was speeding home to hide cocaine from his parents. While speeding, he hit a slick surface and lost control of his car. When asked how much control the individual had over the accident, participants who believed he was driving home to hide drugs attributed a greater degree of control over the outcome to the individual, presumably due to their effort to validate the blame they attributed to a driver they perceived as morally deplorable. Alicke (2000) proposes that spontaneous evaluations of the sort described by Bargh and Chartrand (1999), likely lead individuals to engage in such “blame validation,”—altering the evidential standards for blame, changing judgments of causation and control, and engaging in biased searches for evidence in favor of their judgment.
-From: Ripple Effects in Memory: Judgments of Moral Blame Can Distort Memory for Events

OR BENEFIT...
I could capitalize on the healing prowess of hope and gratitude. I could focus on my improvements (although relatively few and minimal....miss negative emerges), rather than my losses (Mom's sage advice). I could make a "benefits list" of a future lifetime of disability and pain. But I won't, because I can't yet bring myself to fully accept my current disabilities let alone a future of them.

So, I should be thankful for disposable washcloths, without which "bad neuro day" = stinky Melanie, because due to point above, I still haven't installed support bars in my shower.

I could be proactive and sign up for a mindfulness/meditation/stress management class (which I did) that could not only affect my prognosis, but could change my life entirely. I could publicly thank my urologist, Dr. Melanie Amster, for recommending the class, listening with compassion, and waiving my future co-pays. And prior to that, it was her encouragement that resulted in a 6-day wait for an appointment with an I-won't-stop-until-you're-better neurologist who has a 4-year waiting list (long story).

There are actually a lot of positive happenings that have evolved from my illness, as well as fateful life choices that have led to a greater ability to manage my new life. And if I weren't stoned on my night meds, I'd list them all, such as reconnecting or becoming closer to family, or my short-term marriage that provided me with the health insurance I lived without for 8 years, or my procrastinated-yet-dedicated decision to quit smoking by hypnosis .

Or I could go back even further in time...


AIN'T NO YIN WITHOUT THE YANG
As I'm writing this post, I'm becoming more enlightened. And that fits neatly into the above section. The Dalai Lama would be proud.

Illness leads to conflict - internal and external, physical and psychological, medical and financial. And we can choose to remain in an eternal state of conflict, which probably results in non-result, or we or our bodies or our minds or our negotiators or our attorneys or our friends and family members, or the congruence of any of those can work towards resolving these conflicts. Without which, there is no healing. Although I'm no mathematician, I'm making some mental if/then equations in real time:

Equation Set 1 (3 variables)

Variable A
sickness = conflict (+ resolution attempt(s) = healing (+/- cure))
= enlightenment

OR

Variable B

sickness = conflict ((+ resolution attempt(s) = stagnancy) ≠ recovery)
= enlightenment

OR

Variable C

sickness = conflict (+ resolution attempt(s) = deterioration)
= enlightenment

Equation Set 2 (1 variable)

sickness = conflictt (- action)
≠ enlightenment

Assuming my logic dings the truth bell, then sickness plus action offers more opportunities for growth. While there are many paths to enlightenment, many of which are less painful or threatening than illness, all of them require action.


Time to Choose
If I had to choose the greatest benefit of illness, it would be the opportunity for this personal or spiritual growth. No matter what religious belief systems you abide by or reject, if you see the glass half empty or half full, or you're so miserable that you just don't give a damn, I still can't imagine a person in any of those categories not appreciating the opportunity (if it presents itself) to become a more enlightened human being. But, that's just the conjecture of a multimedia artist sicko (me) of moderate to minimal success who doesn't even have her own Wikipedia entry. So I'm turning to Internet research and offering quotes from heavier hitters throughout time to back me up:

“O Holy Spirit, descend plentifully into my heart. Enlighten the dark corners of this neglected dwelling and scatter there Thy cheerful beams.”

- Saint Augustine (354-430): Ancient Roman Christian Theologian and Bishop of Hippo from 396 to 430. One of the Latin Fathers of the Church.)

"I have always fought for ideas -

until I learned that it isn't ideas but grief, struggle, and flashes of vision which enlighten. -Margaret Anderson (1886 - 1973): flamboyantly bold American founder, editor, and publisher of The Little Review.

“Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.”

- Thomas Jefferson (1762-1826): 3rd US President (1801-09). Author of the Declaration of Independence.

“A dramatic experience concerned with the mundane may inform but it cannot release; and one concerned essentially with the aesthetic politics of its creators may divert or anger, but it cannot enlighten.”

-David Mamet (1947- ): Prolific American playwright, essayist, author, screen writer, and director.

Balancing Act
For those of us struggling in that ineffable space between positive and negative, I think the yin/yang balance theory is not only appropriate but integral.

Yin yang transform each other

Like an undertow in the ocean, every advance is complemented by a retreat, and every rise transforms into a fall. Thus, a seed will sprout from the earth and grow upwards towards the sky - an intrinsically yang movement. Then when it reaches its full height, it will begin to weaken, and eventually will fall back to the earth in decay - an intrinsically yin movement. Yin always contains the potential for yang, and yang for yin.

Yin-yang are balanced

Yin-yang is a dynamic equilibrium. Because they arise together they are always equal: if one disappears, the other must disappear as well, leaving emptiness. This is rarely immediately apparent, though, because yang elements are clear and obvious while yin elements are hidden and subtle.

-From Wikipedia

I had no idea when I started writing this post, that this is where I'd arrive - seeking, or rather finding, calmness, acceptance, a state of balance. Ironically, in my past-life's work as a dancer/choreographer/director, I was in constant pursuit of balance, that singular place where the body supports itself with absolute ease - unhindered, yet propped by the mind, bones, and breath.

When a dancer, artist or athlete finds that Zen-Spot, she has most likely conquered any associated fear and is free to move (or stand) beyond herself, beyond pre-existing limitations, beyond the confines of the body itself.

Even the most confident person - athlete or couch potato, single or partnered, sick or healthy - could find this state of balance frightening. One misstep, a single distraction, or an outside force could send us falling right back on our asses. So maybe to achieve balance, we need to overcome aversions to disappointment and pain, basically any fear of failure.

I have failed and fallen (literally and figuratively) over and over again because of lack of balance. This realization is like a life-threatening diagnosis - tossing me into temporary shock. I'm seeing the significance of balance, or lack thereof, within a lifetime of whopperjawed experiences cartwheeling across the avenue of my blurry eyes - my marriage, my first business venture, jobs, friendships. Wow. I need a moment to take all of this in.

Moment taken. Moving Forward. Time to close.
This post is my first online journey with you. I set out to give a simple update - to summarize the successes, disappointments, setbacks, improvements, and plans for months five and six of my TM recovery.

Instead, writing and rambling over the past seven hours, I think I've arrived at the most important discovery of my life, or at least the most integral discovery to my recovery process.

In moving from January to February, I have to let go of the medical deadlines and release my self-imposed fear of recovery failure. These kinds of thoughts are as disabling as my TM disabilities, and if I have any chance of recovery, I need to shift my focus from disease state to ease state, a life of balance.

I'm not sure yet what this means for sickness, or how to accomplish it. My body once understood balance intrinsically, but that body doesn't exist today, nor will it ever again. One doesn't have to be sick to endure that either; aging alone instigates these irreversable changes.

While, February may be my most challenging month yet, seven hours into writing this, I still haven't arrived at the details of that discussion, so I'll leave it at that. Perhaps the details are not what will or should matter to me.

Rather than face the challenges of TM, I'm thinking I should take on a different kind of challenge, a balance challenge, and allow those unavoidable, unpleasant, undesirable, un-, un-, un-s to do their own nasty things, while I do mine.

Oh God: Part 2: Self-contradiction, Irony, and a Prayer

updated 12.30.08

I just got word via email, that one of my dear Hahnemann Hospital companions, Lynn, had a seizure last week that has taken her memory back in time to the 1990s. She suffers from both Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD) and severe seizures, and had been making remarkable recovery since her hospital release. She sent me an email last month, excited that she was up to 25 minutes of walking on the treadmill and concerned about my recovery.

Her husband, Dave, was thoughtful enough to alert me of her current condition, wrote, "she could use your prayers." Ironically, I received this email just as I had posted Oh God on Christmas Day, which (blasphemously?) questions religions' reliance on prayer over personal responsibility.

After recovering from my shock and sadness for both Lynn and Dave and despite my disbelief in the big man in the sky and my rejection of organized religion, my first response was to say a prayer for Lynn, which came simultaneously with, Oh shit, my prayers? Not only does this contradict almost everything I had just published moments before, but what good are my prayers to anyone now.

And now, we're all probably thinking (I am including myself in this), What?! A GHB (godless heathen bastard) wants to pray? Yessirreee.

And that is where the realizations began:


Realization #1: I want to pray for Lynn
Although I was raised in a fairly religious household, and we said shabbos prayers, prayers over food, prayers for the sick and all kinds of holiday prayers, I realized, I don't know a single real-deal prayer. But real-deal prayers aren't my style anyway, so I'll ask my real-deal-religious friends and relatives to manage that part.


Realization #2: I have never stopped praying
Before I got sick, I practiced yoga regularly. Since my first class in Berlin, Germany in 1997, most of my yoga practices, whether group or home alone, have included chanting. These are prayers sent out to the universe for benevolent things, such as peace and enlightenment, and they are as valid to me as any organized religious prayer.

Example:

Peace mantra

OM SAHANA VAVATU SAHANA BHUNATTU
SAHA VIRYAM KARAWAVAHAI
TEJASVINAVADITAMASTU
MA VIDVISHAVAHAI
OM SHANTI SHANTI SHANTI OM

Together may be be protected
Together may we be nourished
Together may we work with great energy
May our journey together be brilliant and effective
May there be no bad feelings between us
Peace, peace, peace

(From the Kato Upanishad)

Realization #3: A smile is a gesture that is a prayer
I believe that when we send goodness into the universe, we will receive goodness. For instance, if I smile at you, there's a good chance you'll smile at me, and maybe that smile will be passed on and on, altering a moment or a day or a lifetime for someone. Or maybe it won't. Either way, that smile is a prayer for happiness and connection.


Realization #4: My neurogenic bladder meditation is a prayer
Since I got transverse myelitis, I have had numerous symptoms and side effects. One annoying and time-wasting one that drives me crazy is my neurogenic bladder. While in the hospital, I started doing a pee meditation every time I went to the bathroom.

As I sat, waiting for the release from my strong urge to urinate, I closed my eyes, rested my feet on the floor, placed my palms together, lowered my head, and quietly chanted, pee, pee, pee. Since October, I've probably whispered that word 1000's of times, and almost every time I did my pee chant, it would eventually work. Sometimes it would take 30 seconds, sometimes 15 minutes, and sometimes it was a wash. But my pee meditation is a prayer that works.

Self-Contradiction: I'm still not holding my breath or pressing my palms together. Strength and stamina is a precious commodity when you have transverse myelitis, but responsibility is not. (From my 12.25.08 post: Oh God)

Religious-Contradiction: "... if you want to do something well, you have to practice it continually, even when you don't feel like doing it. This is as true of prayer as it is of playing a sport...a musical instrument, or writing. The sense of humility and awe of G-d that is essential to proper prayer does not come easily to modern man, and will not simply come to you when you feel the need to pray. If you wait until inspiration strikes, you will not have the skills you need to pray effectively." (From: Judaism 101: Prayers and Blessings, The Need for Prayer)

Realization #5: Hope is a prayer
People hope to God for miscellany every day: I hope to God I make this light. I hope to God I get an A. I hope to God everyone shows up. I hope to God this guy really likes me. Whether or not the name God is inserted in that I hope to statement, it's a kind of prayer - a selfish prayer - but a prayer nonetheless.

While these are superficial examples, there are many people who voice their hopes publicly or privately every day. I hope that I get 100% recovery, and I hope this for Lynn and all of my hospital friends, and all the people suffering from similar or drastically different illnesses.

I even admitted to this in my last post:

I have many religious friends and family...[and] I even hope [their prayers for me will] work their magic so that I'll be healed.

Realization #6: Prayer is what you make it - with or without God's intervention
If I want the world to pray for Lynn's recovery, then I must believe in the power of prayer. Prayer exists in as many forms as the image of a higher power in different cultures.

Prayer can be a kind thought, a smile, a meditation, a chant, a real-deal-foreign-language script. One does not have to believe in God or Allah or any higher power that acts as the conduit for all wishes, hopes, and prayers. We can answer each other's hopes and prayers.



Realization #6b: We can answer each other's hopes and prayers
I had to repeat this. It both validates and invalidates what I said about taking responsibility in Oh God:

We need to take responsibility, a lot lot lot more responsibility... there are a lot of people in this screwed up world that are either relying on God to take the initiative or aren't reaping the benefits of their selfless devotion.

I still stand by this. I think there are some people who use religion, God, and prayer as the easy way out of personal and social responsibility, but to clarify, I don't believe that all people who pray to God are shirking liability.

But, what if the model for these kinds of believers was altered to include my 6b realization? Could we have better results? Would it make a difference? Or is it part of the yin/yang balance that maintains some sort of order in this world, so that those of us that want to or choose to go the self-reliant/shared-responsibility route can do so, and we can all feel that we've done the right thing.


PLEASE PRAY FOR LYNN
Whatever your style, your belief, your inclination, send out your energy to the universe or talk to God, but pray for Lynn. I've included links to a few prayers for the sick:

Jewish prayer for the sick
Christian prayers for the sick
Buddhist prayer for the sick
Quaran prayers for the sick

Listen to a hospital conversation between Lynn and me:
Download Neuro Detour - Conversation With Lynn Albert

Oh God

Thoughts on God and the power of prayer from a kind-of-not-quite-Jew on Christmas Day


I've been hearing a lot about God lately.

Not from the man/woman/he/she/it/avatar in the sky; rather, from the mortal mouths of doctors, taxi-drivers, friends, and bar buddies. Although this escalating omnipresence of God seems apropos for the holiday season, especially directed at a sicko like me, I'm conflicted, doubtful, and perhaps, as my dear and devout Mormon friend endearingly refers to her loving, atheist husband, a GHB (godless heathen bastard).



IN THE BEGINNING...
I was reared in a "Conservative" Jewish household, meaning my family accepted all the values, rituals, and teachings of Judaism, but took a little leeway in how strictly we adhered to them, i.e., we stretched the Jew-truth a bit. Being conservative in this sense, is kind of like being fashionable on a budget - you buy just enough new pieces to stay hip, but continue to wear those classic standbys. (Sidebar: most "conservative" Jews are democrats)

Being a conservative Jew makes holy-state-maintenance accessible, and makes their minority status look hipper in the eyes of the masses.

Although my immediate family were fashion-Jews, we attended the Gemilas Chesed, an Orthodox synagogue, because that's where my mother went when she was a kid. It was also where most of the few Jewish kids in White Oak attended Hebrew School and Sunday School. (Not Quite Non Sequitur Sidebar: My family also kept kosher for years to accommodate our orthodox relatives.)

Interesting Fact 1: Orthodox Jews believe that religious Jews are divided into two main groups: Orthodox and Non-Orthodox. Orthodox Jews unquestioningly obey the Torah and all its rules. Non-Orthodox Jews try to adapt Judaism to modern life. Both groups observe the Jewish holy days.1

Unlike more limber denominations and other 'ologies, Orthodox Judaism is by the book, and that behomethic book's characters overfloweth with powerful, all-knowing he's and subservient she's. As my boobs began to grow and my rights began to shrink, the reality of my diminution within my own religion was disheartening, disconcerting, and discouraging for a burgeoning feminist.

I could share many "for instances", but that will further distract me from the point I'm ciruitously reaching, so I'll share one of my favorites:

My best girlfriend Amy, who has an elephantine memory, recalls that even though she and I were verifiably the best and fastest Hebrew readers, those awards went to the boys, while we received certificates for "Loyalty" and "Devotion" - excellent traits, no doubt, but fair is fair. Clearly, the awards were fixed.

Even though women take the back seat at services and lose many of their equal rights by the age of 13 (maybe that's why it's an unlucky number), their contradictory role - mainly childbearing, is held with the greatest esteem.

Interesting Fact 2: According to traditional Judaism, women are endowed with a greater degree of "binah" (intuition, understanding, intelligence) than men. 2

Interesting Fact 3: Various rabbis at various times describe women as lazy, jealous, vain and gluttonous, prone to gossip and particularly prone to the occult and witchcraft. Men are repeatedly advised against associating with women. Women are discouraged from pursuing higher education or religious pursuits, but this seems to be primarily because women who engage in such pursuits might neglect their primary duties as wives and mothers.3

This overwhelming feeling of inequality, second-class-citizen standing, and general male-ness-permeating Judaism was my teenage perception...and on that slant, I haven't wavered in 20 plus years.



AND SOME FELL AMONG THORNS
Thus, my exodus from organized religion began. While, it may have been a bit thorny for my parents, I didn't feel a single prick as I loosened my ties to Judaism. I was imprinted, but I was liberated. Despite that, leaving one's religion isn't as simple as tossing away a dozen dead roses.

Parting is never easy, especially when it really pisses off someone you love. In my case, it wasn't God that was pissed, though many would disagree, it was my parents, and that rejection spawned some thorny times that are better left in the dumpster.

Rejecting mass belief systems, especially those that are exclusive and discriminatory, came naturally to me. Rejecting the Judeo-Christian God, and all of the transcendental shields and buckles that come pre-packaged (I love "accessories included") with that unwavering belief, was less arduous than Moses' journey, but took more than 40 days and nights.

Amy remembers me waffling between atheism and agnosticism since I was a pre-teen. Since then, I've tried to believe in God or different kinds of God beliefs, such as God is within all of us, or, well, that's about as far as I got.

Hey God, at least I tried.



AND THE TAXI-DRIVER SAID PRAY,
AND THE DOCTOR SAID IN GOD'S HANDS,
AND THE CO-WORKER SAID YOU'RE IN MY PRAYERS,
AND THE STRANGER SAID GOD WILL SAVE YOU, AND...
I'm still sick, and my uncle still died at the age of 43 of a brain tumor, and we're still at war, and soldiers and civilians are losing limbs and lives, and 100 million+ people are sleeping on cement, and my mother is still sad that she can't fix me, and an Egyptian schoolteacher has been sentenced to ONLY 6 years in jail for beating a student to death who didn't do his homework, and a man dressed as Santa shot a girl in the face, and Somalis have faced more violence in one year than in 10, and Bush served two terms, and money is power, and the government is controlled by stakeholders who keep life-saving cures behind white doors, and it's 60 degrees in Philadelphia in December, and fully-abled people don't offer a hand, and the US has the largest incarcerated population in the world, and women are being infibulated in Africa and the middle east, and..., and..., and...

And how the hell do you explain this madness?

I don't get it. If all these people are praying all over the world, and prayer is the answer; and God not only listen but is benevolent too; and the taxi driver who marvels over man-made skyscrapers thinks I can stand up against the wind if I just pray, pray, pray my f*ckin' brains out; and modern medicine is turning to God and not science; and pain, suffering, corruption, violence, discrimination, inequality, unnecessary death, and piercing nature's perfect skyline with shoddy materials is collectively, or at least widely, accepted as a bad affair, then on this "Merry" day, I have nothing to say other than a vapid Merry, Happy Whatever.

I know there are religious rationales for all of these atrocities. And I personally know from watching my uncle die that belief in a greater power and the saccharine fruits of after-life can ease the physical and emotional pain of a life-altering illness or waiting to die. Even I can acknowledge that this is a beautiful and deserved respite.



COME ON, TRY AND GIVE ME A SECOND DEATH, I DARE YOU*
Call me a GHB, or whatever you like, but I'm not feelin' God's love, nor am I looking for it - not for me or for man-kind.

I have many religious friends and family, and we know and respect each others' beliefs. And I appreciate, welcome, and am gracious for their prayers on my behalf. I even hope they'll work their magic so that I'll be healed by the power of the Lord (Virtual Sound Effect: emphatic accent on the "ea" in "healed" as in hEEEEEAAAAAAled).

I'm still not holding my breath or pressing my palms together. Strength and stamina is a precious commodity when you have transverse myelitis, but responsibility is not.

We need to take responsibility, a lot lot lot more responsibility. If there is a God, the poor guy has a lot of expectations to live up to, and as I've learned from my relationship research, expectations are the bane of all successful partnerships. Talk about a monkey on your back. I can't imagine how many ruptured disks the old man has.

Don't worry God, I'll give you some tramadol and Lidoderm patches, billions will pray for you, Palin will eventually eradicate the monkey "metaphor," and you'll be just fine.

Interesting Fact 4: The bible says, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live. The Good Samaritan - Luke 10. 25-33.4

While God may not be calling me names (I should hope not, I just offered to share my precious drugs with it), some might think me overly independent; under-ly optimistic; or a sinful, hell-bound devil. I'm cool with that. But there are a lot of people in this screwed up world that are either relying on God to take the initiative or aren't reaping the benefits of their selfless devotion. Not cool.

Pardon me Tammy Faye, but I don't believe there are too many blessed souls out there that can be healed by prayer alone. But if it were true, I'd be fired up and feeling an entirely different kind of blaze than the neuropathic pain I know so well.

Maybe my battle against TM would be easier, faster, clearer, more successful if I were a believer. Maybe it'd be just the same, but I'd be freed of the responsibility of my own recovery, and I'd have the time to focus my efforts on my real passions - making art, activism, celebrating life, and being as fabulous as I can be. Maybe I'd just have a greater community from whom I could gather support. Or maybe wrapping myself into a pretty little box, labeling myself with a $3.99 Hallmark mass-produced greeting card and setting myself under someone else's mass-produced eternal-life tree would give me the purpose of holiday godliness that heals all wounds.

I don't feel it's necessary to define one's values into one belief system. I've reconciled to label myself as a humanist, which isn't so much a religion, but a belief in the greater good of humanity - essentially agnosticism better defined.

Though there isn't a check box for humanism on Match.com, and it's not going to bring forth any godly mercy on my TM, it's a goddamn good definition for my beliefs and meditations on making this world a better place for all people. And that, as a sicko or non-sicko, is where I find my healing potential.





1 Info Please
2 Judaism 101: The Role of Women
3 Judaism 101: The Role of Women
4 All Great Quotes
* A New Heaven and a New Earth, the New Jerusalem - Revelation 21. 1-8